Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
