Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
