there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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