I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
