Kiss
Puke
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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