quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize