I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
