I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drake has all the answers
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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