Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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