please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
