i just had sex bonerless
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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