just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
