Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
