I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
