I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
