OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
