I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
