Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
