im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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