I need help removing her.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
