When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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