Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize