I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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