Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
