not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
