so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
