There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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