highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize