Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
