you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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