Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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