hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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