Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
