So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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