all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
