i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
pray to the hookup gods
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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