Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
