Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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