I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
