Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
