I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
