"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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