i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
