just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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