I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
FUCK WHALES
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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