Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
is wine microwaveable?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
