I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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