You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
