Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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