My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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