We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
