Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
