I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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