I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
