he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
