they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
